Essay

Grace and Truth: Holding a Teaching and a Person at the Same Time

What do you do when someone you love disagrees with the Church about marriage, sexuality, gender, chastity, or family? You may know what prophets have taught and want to stay faithful to it, but you also care deeply about the person in front of you. You may wonder, If I say what I really believe, will they hear rejection? If I avoid saying it, am I being honest about following Jesus Christ?

Those are important questions. It helps to begin somewhere deeper than simply asking what “the Church’s position” is. The teachings you are trying to live are teachings you believe come from Jesus Christ. Marriage, fidelity, chastity, and family appear again and again throughout scripture.

So the goal is not to win an argument for the Church. It is to learn how to trust Jesus Christ, speak honestly about what He has taught, and still treat another son or daughter of God with real love.

Start With What Christ Has Taught

The Family: A Proclamation to the World begins with the identity of every person. We are “beloved spirit son[s] or daughter[s] of heavenly parents,” each with “a divine nature and destiny.” It goes on to teach that gender is an essential part of eternal identity and purpose, that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan.

Those teachings did not begin with the proclamation.

Latter-day Saints understand Jehovah of the Old Testament to be the premortal Jesus Christ. It was Jehovah who told Israel, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and who commanded them to honor father and mother (Exodus 20).

During His mortal ministry, Jesus was asked directly about marriage. He answered by taking His listeners back to Creation. God “made them male and female,” He taught, and husband and wife were to become “one flesh” (Matthew 19:4–6). In the Sermon on the Mount, He also taught that chastity involves more than outward behavior. He asked His disciples to pay attention to what they willingly cultivate in their hearts.

In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22–24, the Lord tells a husband to love his wife “with all thy heart,” cleave to her and none else, and reject adultery and lust. In Doctrine and Covenants 49:15–17, He declares that “marriage is ordained of God” and connects marriage and family to the purposes of Creation.

These passages come from very different times and settings, but they point in the same direction. When you try to live faithfully according to revealed teachings about marriage, chastity, fidelity, identity, and family, you are ultimately deciding whether you will trust Jesus Christ.

What If I Keep Thinking of These as “Church Rules”?

Elder Kevin S. Hamilton offered a helpful way to think about that question in his BYU devotional “Why a Church?”.

He said that he sometimes hears members say things such as, “I don’t support the Church’s policy on …” or “I don’t agree with the way the Church does …” Then he suggested an exercise:

“Substitute the word Savior or Lord or Jesus Christ in place of ‘the Church.’”

Elder Hamilton said that doing that gave him “a very different perspective.” He was reminding us that we cannot completely separate Jesus Christ from the Church He organized. The Lord said, “whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same” (Doctrine and Covenants 1:38).

That can help when a conversation becomes difficult. Instead of beginning with, How do I defend the Church’s teaching on marriage? you can ask something more personal: Do I trust what Jesus Christ has taught about marriage?

Jesus Was Full of Grace and Truth

John described Jesus as “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). Both were evident in the way He dealt with people.

You can see that in the story of the rich young ruler. A sincere young man came to Jesus wanting to know what he still lacked. Christ saw something in his life that needed to change, but Mark records an important detail before Jesus gave him that difficult invitation: “Jesus beholding him loved him” (Mark 10:21).

Then Jesus told him what he needed to hear.

The young man went away sorrowful. Jesus did not change the invitation simply because it was hard for him to receive. But neither did He treat the young man with contempt or act as though his struggle made him less worthy of love. Christ loved him and still invited him to change.

That gives us a helpful pattern. The person in front of you matters more than proving that you have the better argument. At the same time, loving someone does not require pretending that something Christ taught no longer matters.

What Does “Courtesy and Compassion” Actually Look Like?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave young disciples this counsel: “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them.”

He was preparing young people for moments when following Christ might be unpopular or misunderstood. His counsel called for courage, but not combativeness. He wanted disciples who could be clear about what they believed without becoming harsh toward people who believed differently.

Compassion goes further. If a friend experiences same-sex attraction, is wrestling with questions about gender, or is trying to understand why the Church teaches what it does about marriage, you can listen carefully to what this has actually been like for them. You can care about the relationship before, during, and after the doctrinal conversation.

But Elder Holland also said, “defend them.” There may be moments when love requires an honest answer rather than an evasive one.

The difficult part is learning to do both—to be clear about what Christ has taught while becoming more patient, humble, and loving in the way you speak about it.

Becket Cook: What an Honest Conversation Made Possible

Becket Cook spent years working as a successful set designer in Hollywood’s fashion industry. He identified as gay and was an atheist. Despite his professional success, he has described reaching a point when he began asking deeper questions about meaning, identity, and purpose. Then an ordinary conversation started moving his life in another direction. Some young adults answered his questions about the biblical view of homosexuality honestly. And then invited him to church.

In this short interview, Becket tells what happened and how coming to Christ changed the way he understood his identity and future. Listen to his powerful words:

Becket is not Latter-day Saint, and his theological conclusions are his own. But there is something worth noticing in that first conversation. Those Christians did not treat him as a problem to solve. They answered the question he actually asked, kept talking with him, and invited him toward something much larger than a position on sexuality. They invited him to know Jesus Christ.

You Can Be Clear Without Becoming Defensive

If someone asks why you believe marriage is between a man and a woman, you do not have to begin with everything you think is wrong with society. You can begin with Christ.

You might say, “I believe Jesus Christ has taught that marriage between a man and a woman is part of God’s plan. I see that teaching repeatedly in scripture, and living prophets continue to teach it. I trust Him, so I try to live according to what He has taught.”

If someone asks how you can love a gay friend while still believing the law of chastity, you might say, “I believe my friend is a beloved child of God, and I genuinely love them. I also believe Jesus Christ has given commandments about sexual relationships that apply to all of His disciples.”

Church teaching is clear that experiencing same-sex attraction is not itself a sin. A person who experiences same-sex attraction remains a beloved son or daughter of heavenly parents with divine identity, agency, purpose, and eternal possibilities.

Remembering that changes the way you speak. You are never talking about an abstract issue. You are talking to or about someone Jesus Christ knows perfectly.

Listening Matters Too

Listening carefully does not weaken your testimony. In fact, being settled in what you believe can make it easier to listen without feeling threatened by someone else’s experience.

You can ask, What has this been like for you? What is hardest for you about this teaching? Then listen long enough to understand what they are actually saying. Understanding someone does not require agreeing with every conclusion they have reached.

Research on high-quality listening has found that attentive, empathic listening can reduce defensiveness and help people think more carefully during disagreement. For a disciple of Christ, though, listening is more than a communication technique. The person is worth listening to.

Sometimes “Why does your Church teach this?” really is a doctrinal question. At other times there may be another question underneath it: Do you still love me? Can we still be close? Can I tell you what this has been like for me?

You can respond to both.

How the Adversary Can Distort the Question

Once you understand Christ’s pattern more clearly, it becomes easier to notice a couple of ways this can go wrong.

One is the assumption that loving someone requires agreeing with every conclusion they reach. That can feel persuasive, especially when someone we love is hurting. But if Jesus Christ really has revealed truth about marriage, chastity, identity, and family, then setting those teachings aside is not the only way to show love.

The opposite mistake is becoming hard toward people because we believe we possess truth. We may start speaking impatiently, treating every conversation like a debate, or feeling responsible to correct everything another person says.

Following Him requires more of us. Sometimes you will need to speak. Sometimes you will need to listen. Sometimes you may explain the same teaching again, more patiently than you did the first time, because the person asking is still trying to understand.

You cannot control how another person responds. You can choose what kind of disciple you will be while you talk with them.

Not Every Relationship Needs to Become a Doctrinal Debate

Standing for Christ’s teachings does not mean bringing up doctrine every time you are with someone whose life looks different from yours.

Keep caring about their work, family, hopes, worries, interests, and the ordinary things you have always shared. Eat together. Serve one another. Laugh together. Let your relationship give them plenty of evidence that your love is real. Then, when a sincere question comes, you do not have to be afraid of answering honestly.

Sometimes the Spirit may prompt you to explain something. Another time, listening may be wiser. You can quietly ask Heavenly Father to help you know what would be useful in that particular moment.

You will not handle every conversation perfectly. You may speak too quickly sometimes. Your tone may come across differently than you intended. You may stay quiet and later wish you had said something.

When that happens, you can apologize for poor communication without apologizing for what Jesus Christ taught. Then keep learning how to do better.

A Few Things to Think About

• When I talk about marriage, chastity, gender, or family, do I understand these first as teachings of Jesus Christ?
• Can I explain where these teachings come from in scripture rather than only saying, “That’s what the Church believes”?
• Do people who disagree with me have enough evidence from the way I treat them to know that I sincerely care about them?
• Can I listen carefully without assuming that understanding someone requires agreement?
• Does the way I speak reflect Elder Holland’s counsel to combine courage with courtesy and compassion?

What Can You Do This Week?

Choose one teaching you sometimes feel nervous discussing—marriage, chastity, gender, or family—and trace it back to Jesus Christ. Read what He taught in scripture, and then notice how living prophets continue to teach the same underlying doctrine. The better you understand where a teaching comes from and why it matters, the less likely you are to speak about it defensively.

Try Elder Hamilton’s exercise too. When you find yourself thinking, I’m not sure I agree with the Church about this, ask yourself what happens when you place the Savior’s name into that sentence. That does not mean you cannot have sincere questions or keep seeking understanding. It simply reminds you who you are ultimately trying to trust.

Then think about someone who sees these questions differently from you. Strengthen that relationship in a way that has nothing to do with correcting them. Listen to them. Serve them. Ask about something that matters to them. Let your discipleship make you easier to trust and more generous with people, not more distant from them.

Jesus Christ was completely clear about His commandments, and He never stopped caring about people. He taught chastity and fidelity. He taught God’s pattern for marriage. He blessed children, strengthened families, called people to repentance, and invited people to follow Him. Then He gave His life so that all of us could repent, heal, change, and return to God.

As you come to know Him better, you can become more settled in what He has taught without becoming harder toward people who see things differently. You can speak honestly without embarrassment and listen without fear. Over time, the way you handle difficult conversations can become another place where your discipleship shows—because people can hear what you believe and still recognize something of Jesus Christ in the way you treat them.