Essay

When a Child Questions Their Gender

You may have a child or someone you love who says their body does not match the gender they believe they are, that they are neither male nor female, or that their feelings tell them something different about who they are. Suddenly, questions about gender can become deeply personal: What if my daughter says she does not feel comfortable being a girl? What if my son does not fit common stereotypes of masculinity? What if my child says they may be transgender? You may also wonder, How do I answer these questions? How do I hold firmly to what God has revealed while staying close to someone I love so deeply?

Thankfully, you do not have to do this alone. For a child experiencing gender confusion, a mother and father can take a child’s distress seriously, listen patiently, and offer real support while still holding firmly to the truth that their deepest identity comes from God. Heavenly Father will help you understand how to support your child in a world that is increasingly confused about gender. As you learn to understand the eternal doctrine of gender and begin to see it through His eyes, He will help you and your family, just as the Lord promised through the prophet Isaiah: “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.”

Heavenly Father will help you see your child as He sees them, receive revelation for your family, and help your child understand their true identity and find the strength to follow Jesus Christ when other voices seek to pull them away.

Simple Truths

Questions about gender can become complicated very quickly, especially when they involve someone you love. The emotions, relationships, and individual experiences may be difficult, but Heavenly Father has not left us without revealed doctrine to help us understand who His children are.

In Moses 1, God first teaches Moses who he is: “Thou art my son,” and then tells him, “I have a work for thee” (Moses 1:4–6). His identity and purpose are connected. But when Satan appears, he calls him “Moses, son of man” (Moses 1:12), reducing Moses to only his mortal condition and leaving out what God had just revealed about his divine origin and potential. Moses recognizes the difference and answers, “I am a son of God” (Moses 1:13). His strength came from remembering that his identity was not defined by the voice speaking most confidently to him, but by what God had already told him was true.

The account helps us see why questions of identity deserve careful spiritual grounding. When you are helping your child, you do not need to have an answer to every question immediately. It helps to begin with a few truths God has already revealed:

1. Your child is a Beloved Child of Heavenly Parents

Every child lived with Heavenly Parents before coming to earth. They have a divine nature and purpose, and their worth has not changed because they are experiencing confusion, distress, or questions about their body. What they are feeling may be intense, but it does not erase what God has already revealed about who they are.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught that because we were with God “in the beginning,” “you have been you for a long time.” President Dallin H. Oaks likewise taught that “maleness and femaleness, marriage, and the bearing and nurturing of children are all essential to the great plan of happiness” and that gender was part of our existence before birth.

That is also why President Russell M. Nelson urged young adults to place three identities above the many other labels they may take on in mortality: child of God, child of the covenant, and disciple of Jesus Christ. Read “Choices for Eternity.” Those identities do not dismiss someone’s feelings or struggles. They help place those experiences inside a deeper truth about where they came from, whom they belong to, and who they can become through Jesus Christ.

2. Our spirits look like our bodies

The Family Proclamation expresses that doctrine simply: gender is essential to our “premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” Similarly, Jesus Christ taught that “the spirit of man” is “in the likeness of his person” (Doctrine and Covenants 77:2). In another revelation, the Lord taught that “the spirit and the body are the soul of man” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). Together, those teachings show that your body is not separate from who you really are or simply something your spirit happens to inhabit during mortality. Your spirit and body belong together as part of the person God created you to become.

The Lord then explained why that union matters eternally: “Spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy” (Doctrine and Covenants 93:33–34). That gives Latter-day Saints a powerful understanding of the body. We came to earth to receive a physical body as part of our eternal progression, and through Jesus Christ that body will one day be resurrected and reunited permanently with our spirit. Of this, Elder James E. Talmage taught:

“There is no accident or chance, due to purely physical conditions, by which the gender of the unborn is determined. The body takes form as male or female, according to the gender of the spirit whose appointment it is to tenant that body. … Man is man, and woman is woman, fundamentally, unchangeably, eternally. Each is indispensable to the other and to the accomplishment of the purposes of God.”

3. Being male or female is a sacred part of who we are and always will be

When Jesus was questioned about marriage, He took His listeners all the way back to the Creation. He said, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female?” (Matthew 19:4). That same doctrine appears in Genesis—“Male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27)—and again in the Book of Moses—“Male and female created I them” (Moses 2:27). Jesus was answering a question about marriage, but notice where His answer begins: with who God created us to be. Male and female were part of His Creation “at the beginning,” which means that marriage cannot be fully understood apart from the divine identity of the people who enter it.

Restored doctrine takes that truth even further. Being male or female did not begin at birth and is not simply a feature of our mortal bodies. Elder Richard G. Scott taught that our creation as male and female “was done spiritually in your premortal existence” and that “your gender existed before you came to earth.” President Dallin H. Oaks taught the same doctrine in “The Great Plan of Happiness.” He explained that “maleness and femaleness” are essential to God’s plan and that modern revelation makes clear that gender was part of our existence before birth. Together, these teachings help us see gender not as an isolated issue, but as part of a much larger truth about where we came from, why God gave us bodies, and the eternal relationships and purposes He is preparing His sons and daughters to receive.

Chole’s Story

Chloe has spoken openly about her own experience. At age 15, after identifying as a boy, she underwent surgery to remove her breasts. Looking back, she has also reflected on how her parents responded during those difficult years, including their decision not to use the pronouns she asked them to use at the time. In this clip, she shares what that response came to mean to her as she later understood her experience differently: ::instagram{type=reel id=Da6TQkxhluF}

Teaching Identity in the Savior’s Way

Paul understood that believers would sometimes find themselves surrounded by competing ideas about what is true. In Ephesians 4:14–15, he warned against being “tossed to and fro” by every changing “wind of doctrine.” His answer was not fear or harshness, but “speaking the truth in love” and growing more fully into Jesus Christ. That pattern can be especially helpful when questions about identity feel confusing. A child may encounter many sincere and confident voices telling them how to understand what they are feeling, but disciples of Jesus Christ have something steady to return to: what God has revealed about who His children are.

There may be moments when you feel pressure to soften revealed doctrine or affirm an identity you do not believe reflects what God has revealed, especially if you are afraid that holding to those truths could damage your relationship with your child. That fear is understandable. When someone you love is hurting, the instinct to remove anything that seems to add to that pain can be very strong.

But Jesus Christ shows us that love and truth do not have to compete with each other. He declared, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Teaching identity in the Savior’s way therefore requires more than simply knowing the right doctrine. It means learning that doctrine well enough to explain it with confidence, while also learning to listen carefully, speak gently, and stay close to a child who may be struggling to understand or accept it. Your child should be able to feel both truths in your relationship: that you love them without hesitation and that your love is grounded in the male or female identity given to them by their Heavenly Father.

Kathy’s Story

In this clip, Kathy shares her deeply personal experience of identifying as a man, but an experience with Christ changed everything:

For some parents, these questions become even more confusing because the change can seem to happen very quickly. A teenager who had not previously expressed distress about being male or female may begin identifying as transgender or gender diverse during the same period when close friends are doing the same, or while spending a great deal of time in online communities where these questions are discussed. That does not mean every young person has the same experience or that social influence explains every case, but it does help explain why parents may feel unsure about what they are seeing and how best to respond.

Researchers have begun studying these patterns more carefully, including the possible role of peer groups, social media, and online communities in the way some adolescents understand and describe their distress. For parents, that research can be useful because it encourages patience and careful listening rather than assuming that every new label immediately tells the whole story of what a child is experiencing.

Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS / Tavistock) referral data

Referrals rose from fewer than 50–100 per year around 2009–2010 to more than 2,500 by the late 2010s and approximately 5,000 in 2021–22, before the service closed following the Cass Review. This represents roughly a 100-fold increase overall.
The increase among adolescent females was particularly steep. In 2009, GIDS treated around 15 girls; by 2016, the figure was more than 1,000, and females eventually accounted for approximately 70 percent or more of referrals.

Research on clusters and rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD)

Lisa Littman’s 2018 PLOS One study surveyed parents of 256 adolescents and young adults whose gender dysphoria was perceived by their parents as beginning suddenly after puberty. The parent reports included several patterns:

Approximately 83 percent of the adolescents described were female.
Parents frequently reported previous mental-health concerns along with substantial smartphone or social-media use.
In the friendship groups described, 36.8 percent had a majority of members identify as transgender during a similar period. Some groups showed rates far above those expected in the general population.
Parents commonly reported increased social-media or internet use, belonging to a peer group in which one or more friends identified as transgender, or both.

Finding Strength in the Temple

The temple is the clearest place Heavenly Father teaches us who we are—sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents, created as male and female for an eternal purpose—and where He gives us covenant power to hold to those truths when the adversary tries to distort them.

Elder Dale G. Renlund promised, “I promise you and your family protection against the influence of the adversary, especially when you make the temple a major focus in your life.” Those covenants give you access to God’s power and increased revelation as you seek to protect and strengthen your family now. He has not asked you to help them through a difficult spiritual struggle like gender confusion without giving you covenant power and the promise of His help. He can strengthen you as you seek to protect your child from the pull of the adversary and help him or her learn their true identity and access the redeeming and strengthening power of Jesus Christ in their life.

Keeping the Family Together

Dr. Brian Hill, a professor of Experience Design at Brigham Young University, has discussed research on the importance of family traditions and rituals in strengthening relationships and helping family members develop a sense of identity. Those ordinary patterns may seem small, but they can matter deeply. Consistent family life can help a child feel secure, connected, and rooted in relationships that do not disappear when questions about identity become difficult.

As Dr. Hill explains, “As you think about the way that God teaches His children, you can see that He uses family rituals often. … If God uses rituals to be closer to us, He must be anxious to get these outcomes in His eternal family.”

A Few Questions to Think About

How can I help my child feel deeply loved and secure while still teaching what God has revealed about their eternal identity?
What voices are shaping the way my child understands themselves, and how can I help them return to what Heavenly Father has revealed about who they are?
What could I do this week to strengthen my relationship with my child through ordinary family life—listening, spending time together, worshipping, or creating traditions that remind them they belong?