Essay

When a Child Questions Their Gender

You may have a child or someone you love who says their body does not match the gender they believe they are, that they are neither male nor female, or that their feelings tell them something different about who they are. Suddenly, questions about gender can become deeply personal: What if my daughter says she does not feel comfortable being a girl? What if my son does not fit common stereotypes of masculinity? What if my child says they may be transgender? You may also wonder, How do I answer these questions? How do I hold firmly to what God has revealed while staying close to someone I love so deeply?

Those are important and tender questions, and you have not been left to answer them alone. You have been blessed with the Holy Ghost to help you understand and find answers to these questions. Heavenly Father wants to help you learn about this issue in His way. He will help you to be able to understand the eternal doctrine of gender in His way. As you learn and begin to see this through His eyes, He will help you. You will begin to understand the marvelous promise of the Lord given through the prophet Isaiah: “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.”

Begin in the Temple

The temple is the clearest place Heavenly Father teaches us who we are—sons and daughters of heavenly parents, created as male and female for an eternal purpose—and where He gives us covenant power to hold to those truths when the adversary tries to distort them.

President Russell M. Nelson taught “the ordinances of the temple and the covenants you make there are key to strengthening your life, your marriage and family, and your ability to resist the attacks of the adversary.” Those covenants do not simply bind your family together for some distant eternity; they give you access to God’s power and increased revelation as you seek to protect and strengthen your family now. He has not asked you to help them through a difficult spiritual struggle without giving you covenant power, the Holy Ghost, and the promise of His help. He can strengthen you as you seek to protect your child from a ruthless and relentless adversary and help him or her learn how to access the redeeming and strengthening power of Jesus Christ in their life.

Your temple covenants matter deeply when you are worried about the spiritual influences surrounding your children. Elder Dale G. Renlund promised, “I promise you and your family protection against the influence of the adversary, especially when you make the temple a major focus in your life.”

As you draw upon the power of your covenants, worship in the temple, seek revelation, and make Jesus Christ the center of your home, you can receive God’s help as you teach your children to recognize truth and resist the adversary for themselves. In the dedicatory prayer of the Kirtland Temple, Joseph Smith prayed that those who worship there might “go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them; (Doctrine and Covenants 109:22). That promise can give parents confidence that temple worship is not only preparation for eternity; it can bring real spiritual strength and protection now. Heavenly Father can help you see your child as He sees them, receive revelation for your family, and help your child understand their true identity and find the strength to follow Jesus Christ when other voices seek to pull them away.

Kathy’s Story

Kathy shares her deeply personal experience of identifying as a man, but an experience with her Savior helped her understand her identity as a daughter of God. Her story shows what can happen when someone is willing to bring those questions humbly to Heavenly Father:

Simple Truths

Questions about gender can become complicated very quickly, especially when they involve someone you love. The emotions, relationships, and individual experiences may be difficult, but Heavenly Father has not left us without revealed doctrine to help us understand who His children are.

In Moses 1, God first teaches Moses who he is: “Thou art my son,” and then tells him, “I have a work for thee” (Moses 1:4–6). His identity and purpose are connected. But when Satan appears, he calls him “Moses, son of man” (Moses 1:12), reducing Moses to only his mortal condition and leaving out what God had just revealed about his divine origin and potential. Moses recognizes the difference and answers, “I am a son of God” (Moses 1:13). His strength came from remembering that his identity was not defined by the voice speaking most confidently to him, but by what God had already told him was true.

The account helps us see why questions of identity deserve careful spiritual grounding. When you are helping your child, you do not need to have an answer to every question immediately. It helps to begin with a few truths God has already revealed:

1. They are a Beloved Child of Heavenly Parents

A child who is struggling with gender also needs to know that this doctrine begins with love and belonging. They lived with Heavenly Parents before coming to earth. They have a divine nature and purpose, and their worth has not changed because they are experiencing confusion, distress, or questions about their body. What they are feeling may be intense, but it does not erase what God has already revealed about who they are.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught that because we were with God “in the beginning,” “you have been you for a long time.” President Dallin H. Oaks likewise taught that “maleness and femaleness, marriage, and the bearing and nurturing of children are all essential to the great plan of happiness” and that gender was part of our existence before birth. These teachings give both parents and children a bigger picture. A difficult experience in mortality is real, but it does not define the whole of who a person is.

That is also why President Russell M. Nelson urged young adults to place three identities above the many other labels they may take on in mortality: child of God, child of the covenant, and disciple of Jesus Christ. Read “Choices for Eternity.” Those identities do not dismiss someone’s feelings or struggles. They help place those experiences inside a deeper truth about where they came from, whom they belong to, and who they can become through Jesus Christ.

2. Our spirits look like our bodies

The Family Proclamation expresses that doctrine simply: gender is essential to our “premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” Similarly, Jesus Christ taught that “the spirit of man” is “in the likeness of his person” (Doctrine and Covenants 77:2). In another revelation, the Lord taught that “the spirit and the body are the soul of man” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). Together, those teachings show that your body is not separate from who you really are or simply something your spirit happens to inhabit during mortality. Your spirit and body belong together as part of the person God created you to become.

The Lord then explained why that union matters eternally: “Spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy” (Doctrine and Covenants 93:33–34). That gives Latter-day Saints a powerful understanding of the body. We came to earth to receive a physical body as part of our eternal progression, and through Jesus Christ that body will one day be resurrected and reunited permanently with our spirit. The Resurrection is therefore more than the restoration of something we temporarily lost at death; it is part of God’s plan to make us whole and prepare us to receive a fulness of joy.

This also helps explain why being male or female cannot be understood only as a feature of the mortal body. Elder James E. Talmage taught:

“There is no accident or chance, due to purely physical conditions, by which the gender of the unborn is determined. The body takes form as male or female, according to the gender of the spirit whose appointment it is to tenant that body. … Man is man, and woman is woman, fundamentally, unchangeably, eternally. Each is indispensable to the other and to the accomplishment of the purposes of God.”

That perspective can be especially important for a child experiencing gender confusion. Their feelings may be powerful and deserve to be heard with compassion, but feelings, cultural messages, and ideas encountered online do not have the authority to redefine an eternal identity God has already revealed. A parent can take a child’s distress seriously, listen patiently, and offer real support while still holding firmly to the truth that their deepest identity comes from God.

3. Being male or female is a sacred part of who we are and always will be

When Jesus was questioned about marriage, He took His listeners all the way back to the Creation. He said, “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female?” (Matthew 19:4). That same doctrine appears in Genesis—“Male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27)—and again in the Book of Moses—“Male and female created I them” (Moses 2:27). Jesus was answering a question about marriage, but notice where His answer begins: with who God created us to be. Male and female were part of His Creation “at the beginning,” which means that marriage cannot be fully understood apart from the divine identity of the people who enter it.

Restored doctrine takes that truth even further. Being male or female did not begin at birth and is not simply a feature of our mortal bodies. Elder Richard G. Scott taught that our creation as male and female “was done spiritually in your premortal existence” and that “your gender existed before you came to earth.” President Dallin H. Oaks taught the same doctrine in “The Great Plan of Happiness.” He explained that “maleness and femaleness” are essential to God’s plan and that modern revelation makes clear that gender was part of our existence before birth. Together, these teachings help us see gender not as an isolated issue, but as part of a much larger truth about where we came from, why God gave us bodies, and the eternal relationships and purposes He is preparing His sons and daughters to receive.

Chole’s Story

Chloe has spoken openly about her own experience. At age 15, after identifying as a boy, she underwent surgery to remove her breasts. Looking back, she has also reflected on how her parents responded during those difficult years, including their decision not to use the pronouns she asked them to use at the time. In this clip, she shares what that response came to mean to her as she later understood her experience differently: https://www.instagram.com/reels/Da6TQkxhluF/

Teaching Identity in the Savior’s Way

Paul understood that believers would sometimes find themselves surrounded by competing ideas about what is true. In Ephesians 4:14–15, he warned against being “tossed to and fro” by every changing “wind of doctrine.” His answer was not fear or harshness, but “speaking the truth in love” and growing more fully into Jesus Christ. That pattern can be especially helpful when questions about identity feel confusing. A child may encounter many sincere and confident voices telling them how to understand what they are feeling, but disciples of Jesus Christ have something steady to return to: what God has revealed about who His children are.

Paul’s words also remind parents that the goal is not simply to win an argument about identity. It is to help a child become rooted in Jesus Christ. That means holding to revealed truth while listening carefully, loving patiently, and helping them see themselves within the larger story God has revealed about their premortal life, their mortal body, their covenants, and their eternal future. Over time, truth received in that kind of love can give a child something more lasting than another label—it can help them understand who they are in relation to God and who Christ is helping them become.

There may be moments when you feel pressure to soften revealed doctrine or affirm an identity you do not believe reflects what God has revealed, especially if you are afraid that holding to those truths could damage your relationship with your child. That fear is understandable. When someone you love is hurting, the instinct to remove anything that seems to add to that pain can be very strong.

But Jesus Christ shows us that love and truth do not have to compete with each other. He declared, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Because truth is part of who He is, following Him cannot mean setting aside what He has revealed. At the same time, the Savior never treated truth as permission to be cold, impatient, or dismissive. He saw people completely, loved them deeply, and invited them to come closer to Him.

Teaching identity in the Savior’s way therefore requires more than simply knowing the right doctrine. It means learning that doctrine well enough to explain it with confidence, while also learning to listen carefully, speak gently, and stay close to a child who may be struggling to understand or accept it. Your child should be able to feel both truths in your relationship: that you love them without hesitation and that your love is grounded in what God has revealed about who they are.

What Does Research Tell Us About Peer and Social-Media Influences on Gender Dysphoria?

For some parents, these questions become even more confusing because the change can seem to happen very quickly. A teenager who had not previously expressed distress about being male or female may begin identifying as transgender or gender diverse during the same period when close friends are doing the same, or while spending a great deal of time in online communities where these questions are discussed. That does not mean every young person has the same experience or that social influence explains every case, but it does help explain why parents may feel unsure about what they are seeing and how best to respond.

Researchers have begun studying these patterns more carefully, including the possible role of peer groups, social media, and online communities in the way some adolescents understand and describe their distress. For parents, that research can be useful because it encourages patience and careful listening rather than assuming that every new label immediately tells the whole story of what a child is experiencing.

Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS / Tavistock) referral data

• Referrals rose from fewer than 50–100 per year around 2009–2010 to more than 2,500 by the late 2010s and approximately 5,000 in 2021–22, before the service closed following the Cass Review. This represents roughly a 100-fold increase overall.
• The increase among adolescent females was particularly steep. In 2009, GIDS treated around 15 girls; by 2016, the figure was more than 1,000, and females eventually accounted for approximately 70 percent or more of referrals.

Research on clusters and rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD)

Lisa Littman’s 2018 PLOS One study surveyed parents of 256 adolescents and young adults whose gender dysphoria was perceived by their parents as beginning suddenly after puberty. The parent reports included several patterns:

• Approximately 83 percent of the adolescents described were female.
• Parents frequently reported previous mental-health concerns along with substantial smartphone or social-media use.
• In the friendship groups described, 36.8 percent had a majority of members identify as transgender during a similar period. Some groups showed rates far above those expected in the general population.
• Parents commonly reported increased social-media or internet use, belonging to a peer group in which one or more friends identified as transgender, or both.

Keeping the Family Together

Stay close to your child while continuing to teach what you believe. It can be wise to pay attention to the social-media and online environments that may be shaping how they understand themselves, but your relationship should not become centered only on gender questions. Your child still needs to feel that home is a place where they are known, loved, and wanted. Meals together, affection, laughter, shared responsibilities, family traditions, worship, and ordinary time together can quietly remind them that they belong to a family and that their life is larger than any one struggle or question they are facing.

Dr. Brian Hill, a professor of Experience Design at Brigham Young University, has discussed research on the importance of family traditions and rituals in strengthening relationships and helping family members develop a sense of identity. Those ordinary patterns may seem small, but they can matter deeply. Consistent family life can help a child feel secure, connected, and rooted in relationships that do not disappear when questions about identity become difficult.

As Dr. Hill explains, “As you think about the way that God teaches His children, you can see that He uses family rituals often. … If God uses rituals to be closer to us, He must be anxious to get these outcomes in His eternal family.”

Your child may still have questions you cannot resolve quickly. They may experience feelings you do not fully understand, and there may be difficult conversations ahead. But you can keep building a home where revealed truth and genuine love live together—where your child knows that their relationship with you is secure and that their deepest identity is found in their relationship with heavenly parents and Jesus Christ.

As you seek revelation, remain close to your child, and keep your own covenants, the Savior can help you know what to say, when to speak, when to listen, and how to love. His grace is available not only to the child who is struggling, but also to the parent trying faithfully to walk beside them.

A Few Questions to Think About

• How can I help my child feel deeply loved and secure while still teaching what God has revealed about their eternal identity?
• What voices are shaping the way my child understands themselves, and how can I help them return to what Heavenly Father has revealed about who they are?
• What could I do this week to strengthen my relationship with my child through ordinary family life—listening, spending time together, worshipping, or creating traditions that remind them they belong?