Essay

Why Does Marriage Feel Like Such a Risk, and Is it Worth It?

You may want to get married and have a family, but marriage can still feel intimidating—especially if you grew up around divorce, conflict, or emotional distance. You might wonder, What if I choose the wrong person, repeat the patterns I grew up with, or do not know how to build a healthy marriage?

Those are honest questions. Your past may influence you, but thankfully because of Jesus Christ it does not have to define your future. Through Him, you can learn new patterns and build a marriage and family different from what you experienced.

Still, even a healthy marriage requires courage. Choosing to love, trust, and commit to another person is a big part of life. But it is also what makes a faithful, lasting commitment meaningful.

Why Is Marriage Important to God?

The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us an important place to begin: marriage between a man and a woman is not simply one possible way to build a happy life. It is part of God’s eternal plan because family relationships reflect the life Heavenly Father wants His children to receive and eventually return to.

Before this life, you were a son or daughter of Heavenly Parents. You came to earth to receive a body, exercise agency, make covenants, and grow through relationships. Marriage and family give us opportunities to learn the kind of love, sacrifice, forgiveness, service, and faithfulness that help us become more like Them through Jesus Christ. Marriage also creates the covenant setting in which husbands and wives can welcome and raise children—God’s spirit children who need bodies, love, protection, and guidance.

That is why The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Family is not an optional side theme in the gospel. It is one of the primary ways God helps His children grow, love, serve, and prepare for eternal life. While people’s circumstances differ, no faithful person is forgotten or excluded from the blessings God has promised.

Giving Your Heart Away Involves Risk

Harvard Professor Arthur Brooks describes falling in love, getting married, and building a family as some of the best risks we take in life:

Marriage requires wisdom, but it also requires faith. Nephi described being led by the Spirit “not knowing beforehand the things which I should do” (1 Nephi 4:6).

Nephi’s situation may be somewhat different from choosing a spouse, but the principle still applies. The Lord often gives us enough light to move forward without showing us every detail of what will happen next.

When Culture Clashes With Family Life

Family history is not the only influence shaping how young adults think about marriage. The messages around us matter too.

Many people hear that marriage limits freedom, children prevent happiness, and the safest way to avoid disappointment is to keep life flexible and independent. If you already saw marriage struggle at home, those messages can feel especially convincing. They seem to confirm what fear is already telling you:

Marriage is risky. Children are exhausting. I will be happier if I avoid both.

Although popular culture often presents marriage and children as obstacles to happiness, the research is more hopeful

In this conversation with Brad Wilcox, an Institute for Family Studies fellow and University of Virginia sociology professor, Wilcox discusses why married people with children often report greater happiness and meaning:

What Does Research Tell Us About Marriage and Happiness?

Research can help us look more carefully at the negative cultural assumption that marriage and children usually stand in the way of happiness.

Using data from the General Social Survey, W. Bradford Wilcox and Wendy Wang found a strong connection between marriage, parenthood, and reported happiness. Married men ages 18–55 were about twice as likely as unmarried men to report being “very happy,” and married mothers and fathers were among the groups reporting the highest levels of happiness. You can read their analysis here.

These findings do not mean that every married person is happy or that marriage automatically creates a perfect life. But they do suggest that marriage and family do not prevent people from living meaningful, fulfilling lives.

How Do I Create a Happy Marriage if My Parents Didn’t?

Arthur Brooks has spoken directly about this question. He and his wife grew up with very different experiences of marriage in their homes. In this short video clip “How Do You Have a Healthy Marriage When Your Parents Didn’t?”, he discusses how the past can influence your future without controlling it:

You Can Begin a New Pattern

If you did not see a healthy marriage growing up, you may need to learn things other people picked up naturally. You may need to practice apologizing, expressing affection, handling conflict, setting boundaries, listening carefully, or trusting someone in healthy ways.

That may feel difficult, but it can also become an opportunity. You can be the person who begins a new pattern in your family.

Jesus Christ can help you build something different. As President Howard W. Hunter taught, “Whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” If you allow the Savior to guide your marriage and family, He can bring healing to old patterns, strengthen your efforts, and help your home become a place of love, covenant, and life.

A Few Things to Think About

• What did my family teach me—both positively and negatively—about marriage?
• Which patterns from my past do I want to continue, and which do I want to change?
• What skills do I need to practice now—communication, forgiveness, patience, honesty, or commitment?
• How could Jesus Christ help me build a marriage and family that are healthier than the examples I have seen?