Essay

When a Child Steps Away

When Your Child Steps Away from the Church

If your son or daughter has stepped away from the Church, you may find yourself wondering what your role is now. Should I keep talking about the gospel or give my child more space? How do I stay close to them without acting as though beliefs and choices no longer matter? And what if they never come back?

Those questions can carry a lot of fear and heartache, especially when you love both the gospel and your child deeply. But you do not have to choose between loving your child and being faithful to what God has taught. You can stay close to your son or daughter while staying close to Jesus Christ. You can listen, love, keep your own covenants, teach when the Spirit opens the way, and respect the agency Heavenly Father has given them.

And if part of you is quietly wondering, Did I do something wrong? remember that faithful parenting has never meant controlling another person’s choices. Heavenly Father Himself has children who use their agency in ways that grieve Him. He understands what it is to love perfectly while still allowing His children to choose.

That does not mean there is nothing you can do. Your prayers matter. Your relationship matters. The peace and spiritual strength you bring into your home matter. And Jesus Christ can help you know when to speak, when to listen, when to give space, and how to keep loving without letting fear take over. Let’s look more closely at what Heavenly Father has taught about agency, family relationships, and the faithful work a parent can continue doing even when a child chooses a different path.

What Jesus Teaches About Someone Who Walks Away

In Luke 15, Jesus was being criticized because He welcomed people whom others considered sinners. He answered by telling three stories about something precious that had been lost: a sheep, a coin, and finally a son.

In the last story, a young man takes his inheritance, leaves his family, and makes choices that lead him far from home. Eventually, he decides to return. Jesus says that while the son was still “a great way off,” his father saw him, “had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).

The father had not stopped loving his son while he was away. He also had not followed him and tried to control every decision. His son was allowed to choose, experience consequences, and decide whether to return.

That can help you understand your own role. Loving your child does not require you to agree with every belief or choice. And staying faithful does not require every conversation to become a lesson about what your child is doing wrong. Your relationship can remain a place of love, trust, and connection while the gospel remains an important part of who you are.

What God Asks Parents to Do

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that parents have “a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” and to teach them to love and serve one another and keep God’s commandments.

Those responsibilities are real. Parents teach, guide, love, correct, pray, and try to build homes where faith can grow. But even very good parents cannot choose another person’s testimony.

Lehi knew that personally. After seeing the tree of life and tasting its fruit, he wanted his entire family to come and receive it too. Laman and Lemuel would not. Nephi says Lehi continued speaking to them “with all the feeling of a tender parent” (1 Nephi 8:37).

Lehi kept teaching because the truth mattered. He also kept loving because his sons mattered. Their choices caused him real sorrow, but their choices were still theirs.

That distinction can bring some peace to a parent who has begun carrying responsibility that belongs to an adult child.

What One Family Learned While They Waited

Elder Brent H. Nielson has spoken about what happened when his sister Susan became unhappy with the Church and eventually left. He said that he, his brothers, and especially their widowed mother were deeply concerned. They wanted Susan to come back and initially tried many things to help make that happen.

Over time, the family learned that they could not force her faith or determine when she would return. Elder Nielson said they learned to “love that person with all of our hearts” and then watch, pray, and wait upon the Lord.

About 15 years later, Susan’s faith began to return. She eventually came back to the Church, received a temple recommend, served in the temple, and taught Gospel Doctrine.

Watch Elder Nielson tell his family’s story:

Elder Nielson was not promising that every family will have the same experience or the same timetable. Susan still had to choose for herself. What his family learned was that they could keep loving her while trusting God to work in her life in ways they could not.

That is an important part of parenting an adult child. You still have influence, but influence is different from control.

Your Child’s Choices Do Not Automatically Mean You Failed

Parents often look backward when a child leaves the Church. You may replay family prayers, scripture study, difficult teenage years, things you said, things you wish you had said differently, and wonder whether one mistake explains what happened.

Sometimes the Holy Ghost may help you recognize something you should repair. If you were too harsh, rarely listened, or made another mistake, you can apologize. Repentance can bless family relationships just as it blesses every other part of life.

But you should not assume that an adult child’s choices are proof that you failed as a parent.

Elder Robert D. Hales spoke directly to parents carrying that fear. In “With All the Feeling of a Tender Parent,” he taught, “Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness.” He also said, “Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children.”

That teaching leaves room for both humility and hope. You can learn from parenting mistakes without taking ownership of choices that another person made.

What About Temple Sealings?

Parents sometimes find great hope in teachings about temple sealings and children who wander. There is reason for hope, but those promises should not be understood as though a parent’s faithfulness removes a child’s need to choose Christ.

Elder David A. Bednar explained this carefully in “Faithful Parents and Wayward Children.” The faith and covenants of righteous parents can have powerful influence, but they do not cancel another person’s agency or remove the need for faith and repentance.

That means you can trust the power of your temple covenants without trying to predict exactly what will happen with your child. Keep your covenants because they bind you to Jesus Christ and bring His power into your life and family. Then allow your child the same agency Heavenly Father allows all of His children.

When Fear Begins Shaping the Relationship

One of the hardest parts of this experience is knowing when to speak and when to listen.

You may worry that if you do not correct every misunderstanding, your child will think you agree. So you send another article, bring up another Church teaching, or turn ordinary conversations toward the gospel. The desire underneath that can be very good: you love your child and want them to have the blessings you have found in Jesus Christ.

But if every conversation becomes an effort to change your child, the relationship may slowly become harder for both of you.

The opposite can happen too. You may become so worried about keeping the relationship peaceful that you stop talking naturally about the Church, avoid mentioning the temple, or feel that you need to hide beliefs that remain important to you.

There is a better balance. You can let your child know what you believe while also being genuinely interested in the rest of their life. You can listen without immediately correcting. You can talk about the gospel because it is part of your life without making your child feel like every dinner, phone call, or visit is another attempt to bring them back.

The adversary would be glad to turn fear into either constant pressure or complete silence. Jesus Christ can help you respond with greater wisdom. Sometimes you will need courage to speak. At other times, love may mean listening carefully and allowing your child time to think and choose.

Research Shows Why the Relationship Matters

Research on families and faith gives parents another reason to protect their relationship with their children.

Sociologist Vern Bengtson and his colleagues followed more than 350 families and thousands of people across several generations for nearly four decades. Their research found that warm and close relationships between parents and children were especially important in the transmission of religious faith. Religious commitment by itself did not make up for a distant parent-child relationship. (Families and Faith)

That does not mean that a close relationship guarantees your child will return to Church. Research cannot predict another person’s agency.

But it does suggest something useful. Loving your child, enjoying time together, listening, staying interested in their life, and maintaining trust are not distractions from your spiritual hopes for them. Those relationships can continue to matter very deeply.

What Can Love Look Like Now?

If your child is an adult, continue treating them as your son or daughter rather than mainly as someone who has left the Church. Ask about work, school, relationships, interests, goals, and the things they are excited or worried about. Spend time together that does not have another purpose attached to it.

You can also continue being yourself. You do not have to hide your testimony or remove the gospel from your home. You can go to church, serve, attend the temple, pray, and speak naturally about experiences that matter to you.

There may also be times when you need to explain a belief or family standard clearly. You can do that respectfully. Your child can know both that you disagree about something important and that disagreement has not changed your love.

If your child is still a minor, your responsibilities are somewhat different. Parents still need to teach, establish family expectations, and provide appropriate guidance. But even then, discipline and teaching work best when a child knows that love and belonging in the family are secure.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• Have fear or guilt begun shaping the way I talk to my child?
• Does my child know that I care about the whole of his or her life, not only Church participation?
• Am I trying to take responsibility for choices that belong to my child?
• Can I talk naturally about what I believe without turning every disagreement into a debate?
• Is there anything in my own relationship with my child that the Lord may be inviting me to repair?

What Can You Do This Week?

Start by praying for your child by name. But do not only ask Heavenly Father to change your child. Ask what He wants you to understand and do. You might ask, How can I love my child better? Is there something I need to say, something I need to stop saying, or something I need to repair?

Then strengthen the relationship in one ordinary way. Make a phone call, go to lunch, ask about something your child cares about, or spend some time together. Let it simply be time with your son or daughter.

You could also read Luke 15 and 1 Nephi 8 this week. Pay attention to what those parents could do, what they could not do, and how love remained present even when another person used agency differently than they hoped.

If you are endowed, consider taking your concern to the temple. Rather than trying to solve your child’s entire future, ask the Lord what faithfulness looks like for you right now.

You may not know how your child’s story will unfold. But you do know that Jesus Christ understands your child perfectly. He knows what your son or daughter has experienced, what questions they carry, what choices they are making, and what may yet happen in their life.

Your part is to keep following Him. Love your child. Keep your covenants. Listen carefully. Speak when the Spirit directs you. Repent when you need to. And trust Jesus Christ with the parts of your child’s life that only He can reach. You cannot choose faith for your child, but you can keep building a relationship where your love, your testimony, and the Savior’s influence still have room to be felt.