Essay

Attending a Same-Sex Wedding: Love, Witness, and the Relationship After

Maybe your brother, daughter, roommate, cousin, or close friend has invited you to a same-sex wedding. You love this person. You do not want your decision to feel like rejection, and you may worry that declining the invitation could damage a relationship you have spent years building. At the same time, you believe Jesus Christ taught that marriage is between a man and a woman, and you do not want your presence to communicate something you do not actually believe.

That is a hard situation because the relationship is real and the doctrine matters. But a biblical understanding of love gives you a place to begin. If you understand a wedding ceremony is a celebration, then a Christian who believes Jesus Christ defined marriage as the union of a man and a woman has good reason to decline a same-sex wedding ceremony.

That does not require withdrawing your love, friendship, or family relationship. In fact, the harder part may be showing through everything else you do that your absence from one event is not an absence from the person’s life.

Start With What Jesus Taught About Marriage

Jesus taught us that in the very beginning of creation, “God made them male and female” and “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.” Therefore, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6).

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches the same pattern: “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God” and the family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan.

Once you understand marriage that way, the wedding question becomes clearer. A wedding is more than spending time with two people you care about. Guests are gathered specifically to witness and celebrate a union being presented as marriage.

That is why attending a gay wedding carries a different meaning than an ordinary dinner, birthday, holiday, or family gathering.

Love Does Not Ask You to Change What God Has Called True

You may hear, If you really love me, you will come.

You can understand why someone you love might feel that way. A wedding is deeply personal, and your absence may hurt. But Christians do not get to define love only by what makes another person feel affirmed in a particular moment.

John taught that “God is love” (1 John 4:8). God therefore does not merely tell us to love; His character teaches us what love is.

Paul gives us another important piece. In his famous teaching on charity, he says that love “rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). That verse matters here because biblical love cannot require us to celebrate what we sincerely believe God has told us is outside His design.

Jesus showed this throughout His ministry. When the woman taken in adultery was brought before Him, He treated her with extraordinary mercy. He refused to join the crowd in condemning her, but He also told her, “go, and sin no more” (John 8:11).

His love for her did not depend on approving every choice she made. His truthfulness did not keep Him from treating her with dignity.

We can learn from both.

Becket Cook Thought Going Was the Loving Thing to Do

Becket Cook lived for many years as a gay man and worked in the fashion and entertainment world in Los Angeles before becoming a Christian. Not long after his conversion, one of his former agents invited him to his wedding to another man.

Once he was at the ceremony, Becket realized that whatever he privately believed, his presence placed him among the people publicly celebrating it. He later said he regretted going and decided that he would not attend another same-sex wedding. Watch Becket explain his experience:

Becket’s experience is helpful because he was not trying to find an excuse to reject gay people (because he experiences same-sex attraction himself). He was trying to work out what faithfulness to Christ required in a situation involving people he cared about.

Christlike Love Includes Righteousness

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland addressed this tension directly in “The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship.”

He began with Christ’s command, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” But Elder Holland pointed out that the same Savior also said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” He then taught that Christlike love and righteousness were always meant to stay together:

Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet in part because righteousness was always supposed to accompany it. So if love is to be our watchword, as it must be, then by the word of Him who is love personified, we must forsake transgression and any hint of advocacy for it in others. Jesus clearly understood what many in our modern culture seem to forget: that there is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin (which He had an infinite capacity to do) and the warning against condoning it (which He never ever did even once).

— Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship”

That is useful when a wedding invitation begins to make you feel as though you must choose one of two identities: I can be the loving friend, or I can be the faithful Christian.

Jesus does not ask you to make that choice.

You can love the person enough to stay close and love God enough to remain honest about what you believe.

What If It Is My Son or Daughter?

This becomes much harder when the invitation comes from your own child.

In an interview about same-sex relationships, President Dallin H. Oaks and Elder Lance B. Wickman were asked how parents can continue loving a child without letting their actions communicate approval of choices they believe are wrong.

President Oaks began with the relationship: “You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you.” Later, when discussing situations in which public participation might imply approval of a same-sex relationship, he said parents could lovingly explain, “Please don’t … put us into that position.”

Elder Wickman added something equally important. Parents should continue to open “our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children.” He also said that this does not require constantly reminding a child that you disagree with his or her choices.

That is a helpful balance.

If your son or daughter invites you to a same-sex wedding and you decide you cannot attend the ceremony, make sure the conversation communicates more than I won’t be there.

Tell your child what has not changed.

I love you. You are my son. You are my daughter. I want you in my life. I hope you will always know that. But because of what I believe Jesus Christ has taught me about marriage, I cannot participate in the wedding ceremony. I know that may hurt, and I am sorry for that hurt. I hope you will also understand that I am trying to be faithful to something sacred to me. I still want a relationship with you.

Then live those words.

Don’t Let One Wedding Become the Whole Relationship

Declining a wedding invitation should not become an excuse to pull away from someone.

Go to birthdays. Have dinner together. Remember important events. Call. Invite them into your home. Help when they move. Show up when someone is sick. Listen when life is difficult. Keep building ordinary memories together.

Those actions matter because they make something clear: I declined the ceremony because of what I believe about marriage. I did not decline you.

President Oaks has taught that when important differences exist, “our side of these differences should not be denied or abandoned,” but followers of Christ should still live peacefully with people who do not share their beliefs. He specifically counseled disciples to be good listeners, show concern for sincere beliefs, and avoid being contentious.

That kind of relationship may require more from you than simply attending one event would have.

Research Suggests How We Disagree Matters

Research can teach us something about how relationships survive serious disagreement.

In one study, 174 people discussed contentious religious and moral issues—including same-sex marriage—with someone who disagreed with them. Researchers found that when people perceived the other person as showing greater intellectual humility, they also reported greater closeness and trust after the conversation.

Intellectual humility does not mean believing there is no truth or pretending both moral positions are equally correct. It means listening carefully, representing the other person’s beliefs fairly, admitting what you do not know, and treating the other person as someone worth hearing.

That is very useful when you have to say no to someone you love.

You do not need to turn the conversation into a sermon. You do not need to prove everything you believe about marriage that afternoon. Explain your decision clearly, listen to how the other person feels, and continue loving them.

When the Adversary Tries to Force a False Choice

This situation can become confusing because both fears feel serious.

You may fear compromising what you believe. You may also fear losing someone you love.

The adversary can use either fear poorly. He can tempt you to become harsh in the name of truth, until defending marriage becomes more important to you than the person standing in front of you. Or he can persuade you that maintaining a relationship requires you to stop making meaningful distinctions between what God has taught and what the culture celebrates.

Neither response looks much like Jesus.

Christ was completely obedient to the Father and remarkably willing to stay close to people whose lives were not yet aligned with His teachings.

That gives you a better pattern: hold to what God has taught about marriage, and keep loving the person with patience, generosity, and real involvement in his or her life.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• If I attend this ceremony, what would my presence reasonably communicate about what I believe marriage is?
• Am I more afraid of an uncomfortable conversation than I am committed to being honest about my faith?
• If I decline, what will I do afterward to make sure this person still knows I love them?
• Can I explain what I believe without turning someone I love into an argument to win?

What Can You Do This Week?

First, study [Matthew 19:4–6] and [1 Corinthians 13:4–7]. Instead of asking only, What am I allowed to do? ask what those passages teach you about both marriage and love.

Then pray specifically about the person who invited you. Ask Heavenly Father to help you speak with both courage and kindness. If you need to decline, do it personally when possible rather than sending a short message that leaves the other person guessing about what you feel.

Keep the explanation simple. You do not need to present every biblical argument about sexuality and marriage. Tell the person you love them, explain that your faith does not allow you to celebrate the union as marriage, acknowledge that your decision may hurt, and make clear that you still want them in your life.

Then prove that last part over time.

Following Jesus Christ sometimes places you in situations where faithfulness costs something. Elder Holland taught young disciples to “defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them.”

You can do that here. You can believe what Christ taught about marriage without becoming cold toward people who believe differently. You can decline a ceremony without declining a relationship. And you can let the Savior teach you the kind of love that neither abandons truth nor walks away from people.