Answer

How Do We Know How Many Children to Have?

You may believe Heavenly Father wants husbands and wives to have children and still not know what that means for your marriage. Is there a right number? How much should age and finances weigh? What if your health, your fertility or your circumstances make the question complicated? These are sincere questions and they deserve better than a slogan.

The commandment is clear and the application is revelatory. God has commanded husbands and wives to multiply and replenish the earth, and He expects each couple to seek revelation about how to live that commandment in their own marriage. There is no number to hit and no schedule you are behind on.

Eternal Truths

The commandment remains in force. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that God’s commandment to multiply and replenish the earth “remains in force,” and that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed between husband and wife.

The decisions inside it are yours, with the Lord. Elder Neil L. Andersen taught that “when to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord,” and then added, “We should not judge one another on this matter” (read “Children”).

Asking is the appointed way to work it out. James told Saints who lacked wisdom to “ask of God” in faith, and promised it would be given (James 1:5-6). That principle matters here because these decisions turn on things other people cannot see: health, fertility, pregnancy, finances, age, and the impressions a couple receives.

What Can Make This Confusing?

The assumption worth examining is that there will always be more time later. Education, careers and financial stability are good goals, and postponing can feel like the responsible choice at every individual step. Fertility does change with age, though, and some couples find later that the family they hoped for is harder to have than they expected. Judgement runs the other way too, from both directions, and Elder Andersen’s instruction not to judge one another covers couples with one child and couples with seven.

What Research Shows

Demographer Lyman Stone surveyed 2,700 Canadian women and found that nearly half of those approaching the end of their reproductive years wished they had started earlier and had more children (read the research). It is a survey of regrets in one country, and it cannot tell you what is right for your marriage. What it does show is that the assumption of more time later is one many people look back on differently.

Questions to Think About

• Are we assuming we will always have more time later?
• What kind of family do we hope to have over the long run, and have we said it out loud to each other?
• Are fear, convenience or comparison driving a decision that should involve the Lord?

What You Can Do

Set aside an hour together this week and talk honestly about both timing and number. Learn accurate information about fertility and age rather than guessing. Then take your hopes, your worries and your actual circumstances to Heavenly Father together. The essay behind this Answer deals with delaying or limiting children in more depth, including infertility, miscarriage and health concerns, which God understands completely.

Jesus Christ can help you make these decisions with faith rather than fear, and give you peace about the direction the Lord gives your family.