Answer

Are My Dating Standards Too High?

Are My Standards Helping Me Choose Wisely?

You may have thought carefully about the kind of person you hope to marry and still wonder whether your standards are helping you make a wise choice or making it harder to notice good people.

How can you tell the difference between a standard that really matters and a preference that has slowly become a requirement?

A helpful place to begin is separating what God has revealed about marriage from the personal picture you have built over time. Some qualities are important because they affect the safety, faith, and direction of a future marriage. Other preferences may be valid without needing to become conditions that every potential spouse must meet.

Standards That Protect Marriage

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that “happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” It specifically identifies “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” as principles that strengthen family life.

These qualities matter because they affect the way two people will handle real responsibilities. Honesty, sexual integrity, emotional safety, spiritual direction, dependability, and a willingness to keep covenants should not be treated as minor preferences.

You should not ignore serious concerns because you are afraid of being too selective. A person who lies, pressures you, mistreats others, refuses responsibility, or rejects the commitments you hope to build your family around may not be a wise choice for marriage.

No One Comes to Marriage Finished

At the same time, the person you marry will still be growing. So will you.

Moroni invites us to “come unto Christ, and be perfected in him” (Moroni 10:32). Perfection is not a reasonable dating requirement. You are looking for someone with good character who is honest about weaknesses, willing to repent, and sincerely trying to follow Jesus Christ.

That same expectation applies to you. You are not waiting to become flawless before you date, and neither is the person you may marry.

The question is not whether someone has already reached the person they hope to become. It is whether the person is moving in a direction you can support and share.

What Can Make This Confusing?

Dating apps and social media make comparison easy. You can quickly see another person who seems more attractive, successful, funny, spiritual, or compatible. Even when you are getting to know someone good, you may wonder whether a better option is one more conversation or swipe away.

Some preferences can also become more important than you intended. You may begin with a preference for a certain height, career, personality, lifestyle, or background. Over time, it can start to feel like a requirement, even though it has little to do with whether two people can build a faithful and healthy marriage.

This does not mean attraction is irrelevant or that you should ignore what matters to you. It means you should examine whether a preference is helping you recognize a good match or keeping you focused on an imagined ideal.

What Research Helps Us See

Researchers who studied “relational maximization” found that people who focused heavily on finding the best possible romantic option tended to report lower satisfaction, investment, and commitment. They also noticed more alternatives (research).

The study does not mean you should ignore warning signs or marry someone you do not want to marry. It does suggest that constant comparison can make it harder to appreciate a healthy relationship that is already developing.

A good relationship may not feel like the most impressive option available. It may become valuable as you learn how the person treats you, keeps commitments, responds to correction, and works through differences.

Questions to Think About

• Which of my standards come from revealed principles?
• Have appearance, career, height, personality, or lifestyle quietly become requirements?
• Am I paying attention to this person’s character and direction, or mainly comparing them with other options?