Story
Can I Experience Same-Sex Attraction Without Making It My Identity?
If you experience same-sex attraction, you may have wondered what it If you experience same-sex attraction, you may have wondered what it means for your identity, your relationship with God, and your future in the gospel. The Church teaches an important distinction: experiencing same-sex attraction is not a sin. Like every disciple of Jesus Christ, however, you are invited to live the law of chastity and allow your relationship with Christ and your covenants with Him to guide your choices.
That can raise another deeply personal question: How much power should any one feeling, attraction, struggle, or label have in defining who you are? The gospel begins with a much larger understanding of identity. You are a son or daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and an eternal destiny that existed before this mortal life and extends far beyond any single part of your mortal experience.
A Latter-day Saint woman wrote candidly about her own experience with same-sex attraction. Her account was published by the Church as “My Battle with Same-Sex Attraction.” She experienced these feelings for many years, eventually chose to act on them, and stopped participating in the Church. Her return to Christ did not begin because every difficult feeling suddenly disappeared. It began when she decided that she wanted to be close to the Lord more than she wanted to continue a lifestyle contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ.
A Latter-day Saint Woman’s Story
There was a time in my life when I believed there was no hope for me—no future—and that I would never come close to being a righteous daughter of God. I experienced same-sex attraction and had chosen to act on those feelings. I wondered whether I could ever leave behind the life I had begun living.
I joined the Church at age 21 and remained active until I began making choices that were contrary to the law of chastity. I knew those choices were not consistent with what I believed the Lord had taught, but for a time I was unwilling to give them up. Eventually I stayed away from the Church altogether.
The turning point came when a friend visited me shortly after returning from her mission. She could tell something had changed. When she asked what was happening, I finally told her.
She encouraged me to see my bishop. I resisted at first, but deep down I knew I could not find lasting peace while continuing to live in a way that separated me from the Lord.
I finally decided that I wanted to be close to the Lord more than I wanted the life I was living.
I made an appointment with my bishop. He listened with compassion and concern, but what affected me most was something much simpler:
“Heavenly Father loves you. You are His child, and He wants to help you.”
That truth began to change the way I saw repentance. I had thought primarily about everything I would have to give up. Gradually, I began to understand what Jesus Christ was inviting me to come back to.
Through that process, several things became especially important to me:
1. What Repeated Labels Can Do
Psychologists have long studied the way expectations and repeated self-perceptions can influence behavior. What we continually tell ourselves can affect what we notice, what we expect, what we attempt, and how we interpret our experiences.
That principle does not mean that a person creates same-sex attraction by using a particular label, nor does changing a label guarantee that an attraction will disappear. The more useful point is that the stories we repeatedly tell ourselves can become powerful frameworks for understanding our lives.
Consider the difference between repeatedly thinking:
This attraction tells me who I fundamentally am.
and learning to think:
This is a real part of my mortal experience, but I am first a child of God. I have agency. I can make covenants. Christ can help me become more than I presently am.
That distinction matters.
In this Instagram clip, Shopify founder Tobi Lütke describes a much more ordinary example of the same principle. Over time his behavior began to change with a better understanding of labels:
What we say to ourselves does not magically change us overnight. But repeated beliefs can influence what we expect of ourselves and how we choose to act. That is one reason it matters so much to learn to see yourself as God sees you.
2. Trust That Jesus Christ Knows You Perfectly
When the resurrected Savior ministered among the Nephites, He taught His disciples not to cast away those who were struggling. Instead, He told them to continue ministering and praying for them because, He said, “ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them” (3 Nephi 18:32).
Notice where the healing comes from. It comes through coming to Christ. Repentance is not simply forcing yourself to become a different person through willpower. It is placing your life increasingly in the Savior’s hands and allowing His grace to change what you cannot change alone.
3. Turn to God Every Day
Praying for protection against the adversary and for deliverance from unholy thoughts is a powerful daily habit. Satan wants to keep you ensnared and beholden to his power. But sincere prayer, fasting, sacrament worship, scripture study, temple worship, and honest repentance keep turning your heart toward God. They also help you recognize temptation earlier and seek Christ’s strength before a weak or difficult moment becomes something serious. Remember that Heavenly Father loves you and will be your great encourager and protector.
4. Remember Who You Are
One of the most important things I learned from my bishop was not simply what I needed to stop doing. He reminded me who I was.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that each person is a “beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents” with a divine nature and destiny. That identity is the most meaningful one of them all.
I may experience feelings of same-sex attraction but it is not who I am. You may also be a musician, a student, a brother, a sister, a friend, an artist, an athlete, or a thousand other things. But none of those descriptions reaches as deeply into your eternal past and future as this one: you are a child of heavenly parents and a disciple invited to become like Them through Jesus Christ.
5. Don’t Let the Label Become Your Identity
I no longer choose to identify as LGBT and don’t use the label “gay.” I found the more I used it, the more I fixated on it, and the more it defined me and made me conflicted with my relationship with God and His Church. The more I stepped away from that community, the better my mental health became because I wasn’t constantly obsessing and fixating on it. Ironically, while I thought the LGBT label would be was empowering, it deeply hindered my spiritual progress. Losing the label and identity changed me inside and out, and I became more anchored in Christ.
5. Be in the Scriptures Every Day
The scriptures do more than give you rules. They gradually teach you the character of God, the meaning of mortal life, the seriousness of sin, and the astonishing reach of Christ’s power to redeem.
As you study the Book of Mormon, notice how often people discover that their present condition does not have to determine their future. Alma the Younger, the sons of Mosiah, Zeezrom, and countless others were changed because they turned toward Christ and continued walking with Him.
Regular scripture study helps replace the loudest messages around you with a more reliable voice. Over time, you begin to understand yourself within God’s much larger story.
6. Create an Environment Where the Spirit Can Stay.
I realized that healing wasn’t only about changing my thoughts—it also involved changing my surroundings.
I intentionally removed media, online communities, and entertainment that pulled me away from Christ. I removed harmful influences on my smartphone. I stopped watching immoral television and gave up inappropriate movies and online communities.
I removed anything and everything that was not wholesome and clean. I displayed pictures of Christ in every room, and I immersed myself in the scriptures. These things have changed my life in ways I could not have imagined, and now I don’t miss my old lifestyle.
Ask yourself which influences make it easier to pray, keep covenants, treat your body with holiness, and feel close to Jesus Christ—and which consistently move you in the opposite direction.
7. Stay Close to People Who Strengthen Your Faith
Relationships matter enormously when you are trying to live a demanding principle of discipleship. Most people tend to become like the people they spend the most time with. I plead with you to distance yourself from those who see nothing wrong with living in sexual immorality.
This is a battle for your eternal exaltation—and battle is a fitting word.
I found faithful friends, ward members, and family who encouraged me to stay close to Jesus Christ. I learned that the people we spend time with shape the direction of our lives. Choosing relationships that strengthened my faith made it easier to remain true to my covenants.
8. Accept Help
One of the most important choices this woman made was telling someone what was happening.
I went to my bishop and discovered that asking for help was not an admission that God had abandoned me. It was one way of reaching for the help He had already provided.
A bishop can help when repentance from sexual behavior is needed. A trusted friend or family member can help with loneliness and accountability. A competent therapist can help with past trauma or other emotional difficulties that may accompany your experience.
The Savior often answers prayers through other people.
As President Dallin H. Oaks taught:
“Through Christ and his church, those who struggle can obtain help. This help comes through fasting and prayer, through the truths of the gospel, through church attendance and service, through the counsel of inspired leaders, and, where necessary, through professional assistance with problems that require such help.” —Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Same-Gender Attraction,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 13–14.
He also taught that people experiencing same-sex attraction and their families need the love and encouragement of fellow Saints who have covenanted to “bear one another’s burdens” (Mosiah 18:8).
This short clip from Naiomi offers another Christian perspective on choosing discipleship when following Christ requires giving up something deeply personal:
What Else Can I Do?
If pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, or another addiction is also part of your experience, the Church’s Healing through the Savior: Addiction Recovery Program may provide additional support.
Same-sex attraction itself is not an addiction and does not need to be treated as one. There can be, however, elements of addictive behaviors and thought patterns that accompany it.
Above all, keep your relationship with Jesus Christ at the center of whatever help you seek.
You Do Not Need to Know the Whole Future Today
If you experience same-sex attraction, you may not know exactly what your future will look like. You do not need every question answered before you can give your life to Jesus Christ today.
He knows the feelings you did not choose, the choices you have made, the sacrifices discipleship may require, and the deepest desires of your heart. He also knows who you were before this life and what you are capable of becoming through Him.
Your deepest identity reaches further than any attraction, struggle, relationship, mistake, or label. You are a son or daughter of heavenly parents, and that identity carries an eternal purpose. Following Christ does not require pretending difficult feelings are unreal. It means trusting Him enough to let His commandments, your covenants, and the Holy Ghost guide what you do with those feelings.
There may still be loneliness, unanswered questions, or desires you wish were different. None of those things places you beyond the Savior’s reach or outside the family of God. As you continue coming to Him, repenting when repentance is needed, receiving strength through your covenants, and surrounding yourself with people who help you remain close to Him, Jesus Christ can patiently help you become the person your Heavenly Parents created you to become.
Her own words provide the best conclusion to her experience:
Heavenly Father loves each one of us and wants to rescue us. His arms are outstretched toward us “all the day long” (2 Ne. 28:32). He provided the Atonement of His Son so that we might be released from our respective prisons. I love the peace and honestly, complete joy, I have found in my own life as I have emerged from the bondage that held me captive for so long. I have learned that Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine and that if we allow Him, He will help us in our struggles. How grateful I am for that knowledge and for the freedom I have found as I have followed His counsel.