Essay

Pressure, Boundaries, and the Law of Chastity

When you’re dating someone you care deeply about, waiting can sometimes feel difficult.

You may wonder, “If we love each other and we’re planning to get married anyway, why does waiting matter?”

A promise of complete belonging to one another is a covenant marriage commitment.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained:

“You must wait—you must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until you are at least legally and, for Latter-day Saint purposes, eternally pronounced as one.”

Waiting allows the physical expression of love to match the seriousness of the covenant. It allows two people to say not only, “I love you,” but also, “I choose you. I commit to you. I am willing to build an eternal family with you.”

In dating relationships, that means asking a different question.

Not:

“How far can we go and still be okay?”

But:

“How can I love this person in a way that protects their heart, their spirit, their relationship with God, and their eternal future?”

This kind of spiritual self control refuses to ask someone to give something that God designed only for a husband and wife. It honors the truth that every person is more than a body—they are a child of God with a heart, a spirit, a future, and a divine destiny.

This principle extends beyond avoiding one final act. Choices that intentionally awaken sexual passion or imitate marital intimacy in any way are sexual sin.

In moments of strong emotion, boundaries can feel unnecessary or impossible if you haven’t made a firm commitment to avoid the situation. You may tell yourself:

“We love each other.” “We’re probably going to get married anyway.” “We’re not going all the way.” “No one else will know.”

But God’s perspective invites us to look beyond the moment. The law of chastity is not about denying love. It is about protecting the kind of love Christ taught—the kind that sacrifices, commits, and gives completely. This is also why waiting is an act of Christlike love.

What Did Christ Say About This?

Jesus taught:

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” —John 15:13

The Savior defined love as sacrifice. Real love is not primarily about what we receive from another person; it is about what we are willing to give for their good.

God never intended physical intimacy to be separate from love, commitment, and covenant. From the beginning, He taught Adam and Eve that marriage was a relationship of complete union:

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” —Genesis 2:24

The Savior repeated this same teaching when He spoke about marriage:

“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh… What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” —Matthew 19:5–6

Jesus taught that marriage is not simply a relationship between two people—it is something God joins together. It is a covenant of complete unity.

This is why waiting is not a rejection of love, sexuality, or the body. It is a decision to honor what sexual intimacy represents.

Physical intimacy says, “I give you all of me.” It is a symbol of complete union—the joining of two lives, two hearts, two futures, and two souls.

What If You Have Already Crossed Sexual Boundaries?

Jesus Christ will strengthen you. He will help you change your desires, your thoughts, and your actions. When you are worried, afraid, or struggling in any way, He will comfort you. He will help you in all aspects of your life. You can trust Him.

Repentance isn’t punishment for sin; it is the way the Savior frees us from sin. To repent means to change—to turn away from sin and toward God. It means to improve and receive forgiveness. This kind of change is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process.

If you are feeling the “scars … that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone,” I wish to extend to you the special peace and promise available through the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. I testify of his love and of the restored gospel principles and ordinances which make that love available to us with all their cleansing and healing power. I testify of the power of these principles and ordinances, including complete and redeeming repentance. - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Haley’s Story

“I did not grow up understanding the law of chastity. Sexual behavior outside marriage seemed normal among many of the people around me.

“When missionaries taught me the gospel at eighteen, I began to understand that following Jesus Christ would require changes in my relationship and behavior. At first, I felt crushed by my past. I wondered whether I was already too damaged to become clean.

“My progress was not immediate. I sometimes returned to old patterns after trying to change. Even after repenting, I continued remembering my mistakes and felt like a disappointment.

“Gradually, I learned that the Lord’s forgiveness was real. I also had to learn to accept the forgiveness He was offering instead of continually defining myself by what I had done.

“The law of chastity began to look less like evidence that I had failed and more like a path toward the future God still wanted to give me. Jesus Christ helped me understand that I was not too far gone to repent, become clean, and prepare for the blessings of the gospel.” —Adapted from Haley S.

What Good Research Shows

One of the largest studies on this question was conducted by BYU family researchers Brian Willoughby, Jason Carroll, and Dean Busby. They studied 10,932 people in dating relationships and found that couples who delayed sexual involvement reported:

• Better communication
• Greater relationship satisfaction
• Greater relationship stability
• Stronger commitment. Waiting helps relationships develop on more than physical attraction.

Early sexual involvement can make it harder to evaluate compatibility

Researchers have suggested that becoming sexually involved very early can create intense emotional and physical bonding before couples have fully evaluated important questions like:

• Can we resolve conflict?
• Do we share the same faith?
• Can we trust each other?
• Are our life goals compatible?

Physical chemistry can sometimes mask problems that later become apparent.

Remember:

Jesus Christ will strengthen you. He will help you change your desires, your thoughts, and your actions. When you are worried, afraid, or struggling in any way, He will comfort you. He will help you in all aspects of your life. You can trust Him.

Repentance isn’t punishment for sin; it is the way the Savior frees us from sin. To repent means to change—to turn away from sin and toward God. It means to improve and receive forgiveness. This kind of change is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process.

Heavenly Father will forgive and heal you as you repent. He will replace your guilt with peace and joy. He will remember your sins no more. Jesus Christ is your strength, and with His strength, your desire to keep His commandments will increase.

He will change your heart and your life. Little by little, you will grow and become more like Him.