Essay

Becoming a Father Long Before You Have Children

If you are a young man, fatherhood may feel pretty far away. Right now you may be thinking more about school, work, dating, money, your testimony, or simply figuring out what kind of adult you want to become.

But those choices are already shaping an important question: What kind of husband and father am I becoming?

The messages around men can be confusing. Some celebrate committed fathers, while plenty of movies, shows, memes, and social-media clips make dads look clueless, immature, emotionally checked out, or like one more person a mom has to manage. If you see that often enough, it can quietly lower what you expect from men—and what you expect from yourself.

The gospel gives you a much bigger picture. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that fathers and mothers are equal partners with important, complementary responsibilities in raising children. Fatherhood is not simply something a man happens to do after marriage. It is connected to who God is and to the kind of man He is helping His sons become.

The Pattern for Fatherhood Begins With God

One of the most important things to understand about fatherhood is where the pattern begins.

It begins with God.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught that “the role of father is of divine origin, beginning with a Father in Heaven.” He explained that the perfect expression of fatherhood is found in Heavenly Father Himself. Read “Fathers.”

That changes the way you think about becoming a father. Fatherhood is not simply a social role somebody has to fill. It reflects something eternal.

Think about what Heavenly Father teaches you about being a father. He loves His children perfectly. He teaches and guides them. He provides. He listens. He corrects because He loves. He keeps His promises. Most importantly, His “work and glory” are centered on helping His children reach their eternal potential (Moses 1:39).

No earthly father will do those things perfectly. That is not the expectation. Heavenly Father gives men a pattern to grow toward.

And becoming a father changes the man too. Your education and work are no longer only about what you can accomplish. Your strength is not only for yourself. Your ability to earn, solve problems, listen, repent, protect, teach, serve, and love can become part of helping other people become what God created them to be.

This clip offers another perspective on why fatherhood can call something greater out of a man:

What Is the Culture Getting Wrong About Fatherhood?

One cultural message tells men that adulthood is mainly about maximizing independence: build your career, protect your freedom, have experiences, and avoid commitments that might limit your options.

But discipleship teaches a different kind of maturity.

Jesus Christ taught, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:25).

Fatherhood asks a man to use his agency, strength, time, abilities, and resources for something larger than himself. Elder Christofferson specifically warned against “exaggerated notions of individualism and autonomy” and invited men to think first about the happiness and welfare of others.

That does not mean losing your personality, interests, goals, or ambitions. It means letting Christ teach you what those gifts are ultimately for.

The adversary does not need every man to become openly hostile toward family. Lowering expectations can accomplish plenty. If men come to believe that immaturity is normal, pornography is inevitable, spiritual leadership is optional, anger is just part of being male, or fathers are mostly unnecessary, they may never become the men God is inviting them to become.

The gospel asks you to expect more of yourself—not because God is disappointed in you, but because He sees more in you.

This clip offers another perspective on the influence a father can have in the spiritual life of his family:

What If My Dad Wasn’t the Father I Needed?

For some young men, talking about fatherhood brings up something much more personal.

What if I become like my dad?

Maybe your father was absent, emotionally distant, angry, controlling, addicted, or abusive. Maybe there are good things about him you want to carry forward and other patterns you are determined not to repeat.

Your childhood can shape how you respond to anger, conflict, affection, trust, or closeness. But it does not determine the husband or father you will become.

Elder Christofferson spoke directly to people from troubled families:

“You can become the generation, perhaps the first in your family, where the divine patterns that God has ordained for families truly take shape and bless all the generations after you.”

Read “Fathers.”

That is not just an encouraging idea. Research gives real reason for hope.

The Research on Breaking Family Cycles Is Hopeful

A major 2025 meta-analysis examined 65 independent studies on childhood maltreatment across generations. Researchers found that having experienced maltreatment increased risk, but repeating the pattern was far from inevitable. In fact, among the intergenerational patterns they analyzed, cycle breakers were more common than cycle maintainers.

Other long-term research helps explain how that can happen. Studies have found that warm, supportive relationships, positive communication, self-control, and strong connections between parents and children can help interrupt harsh parenting patterns across generations.

In ordinary language: your history influences you, but it does not own you.

Changing family patterns may still require work. You may need counseling, good mentors, honest conversations, healthier friendships, better emotional skills, or practice handling anger differently.

Jesus Christ Can Help You Create Something Different

This is where the gospel offers more than advice about becoming a better man.

Near the end of his BYU–Idaho devotional “Men Are That They Might Be Fathers,” Dr. Tim Rarick spoke directly to people who did not grow up with the father they needed:

“Because He sent His Son, hearts heal, cycles break, and God’s plan for His family can be a reality in your life.”

Jesus Christ does not erase your history or ask you to pretend that painful experiences did not matter. Through His grace, you can repent of patterns you have already picked up, forgive without excusing what was wrong, learn healthier ways of relating to people, and become someone different from the examples you may have received.

That is one of the miracles of agency through Christ: the past can influence you without becoming your destiny.

What Can You Start Becoming Now?

Learn to keep commitments. Be the man who does what he says he will do. Covenants, marriage, and fatherhood all require steadiness.

Learn to treat women well. Notice how you speak about women, date, handle rejection, use pornography or sexual media, and respond when a woman disagrees with you. The habits you develop now will come with you into marriage unless you change them.

Learn to manage anger and emotion. Strength is not losing control and expecting everyone else to absorb it. Learn to recognize what you feel, communicate it honestly, and respond without frightening or demeaning other people (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–43).

Spend time around children and good fathers. Notice men who are patient, affectionate, faithful, hardworking, and involved. Ask what they have learned.

Practice spiritual leadership now. Pray sincerely. Know the scriptures. Honor your priesthood. Serve. Repent quickly. If you hope someday to help your children recognize the voice of the Lord, learn to recognize it yourself.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• What has the culture around me taught me to expect from men—and have I started expecting too little from myself?
• If my future son copied the way I currently treat women, handle anger, use technology, and follow Jesus Christ, would I be happy with what he was learning?
• What quality of Heavenly Father do I most want to develop before I become a dad?
• What is one pattern from my childhood I want to carry forward—and one pattern I want Jesus Christ to help me change?

You Are Becoming a Father Long Before You Have Children

You can become a man who loves God, honors women, keeps his word, works hard, controls his appetites, repents when he is wrong, protects without controlling, leads without dominating, and makes the people around him feel safe and loved.

Fatherhood may still be years away. But the man your future wife and children may someday depend on is already being formed by what you choose today. With Heavenly Father as your pattern and Jesus Christ beside you, there is a great deal of good you can begin becoming now.