Essay

Abuse, Safety, and What Forgiveness Does Not Require

You may be asking, What do I do if I grew up in an abusive family, or if sexual abuse has been part of my family experience? You may still carry pain, confusion, or questions and wonder how to think about your family now, what forgiveness should look like, whether trust can be rebuilt, and how Jesus Christ can help you heal. You may wonder what Jesus Christ actually asks of you in a situation like that: Am I supposed to endure it because family is sacred? Do I need to forgive before I feel ready? Does forgiveness mean trusting the person again?

Jesus Christ’s teachings are clear about the way family members should be treated. God designed families to be places of love, protection, nurture, and righteous influence. Abuse violates that design. The person who chooses to abuse is responsible for that choice, and the person who has been harmed is not responsible for causing the abuse. No form of abuse belongs in any home. Understanding what Christ teaches about safety, forgiveness, accountability, and healing can help you know what to do next.

What Did Jesus Teach About Harming the Vulnerable?

One of Christ’s strongest teachings comes when disciples had been asking who would be greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Jesus brought a child into their midst and used that child to teach them about humility, responsibility, and the way His disciples should regard the vulnerable.

Then He gave a serious warning:

“Whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offences!” (Matthew 18:6).

A millstone was a heavy stone used for grinding grain. Jesus deliberately chose a severe image and said it would be better for such a person to die than to face the consequences of causing one of His little ones to stumble. His language shows how seriously He feels about harming children. The Church itself has repeatedly used this passage when teaching about child abuse.

These teachings tell us something important about families. A child is entrusted to parents to be loved, taught, nurtured, and protected. A spouse is not given to another spouse to be controlled or harmed. There is a great responsibility to treat that person as son or daughter of God.

What Does Christ Teach About How Families Should Treat Each Other?

The Lord gave another important teaching about power in Doctrine and Covenants 121:36–42. Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail when the Lord explained that His power cannot properly be exercised through unrighteous “control or dominion or compulsion.”

Instead, Christlike influence is exercised through persuasion, patience, gentleness, meekness, kindness, and sincere love.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World follows this same pattern. Husbands and wives have a sacred responsibility to love and care for one another, parents are to raise their children in love and righteousness, and those who abuse a spouse or child “will one day stand accountable before God.”

That warning belongs within the proclamation’s larger vision of family life. Heavenly Father wants husbands, wives, parents, and children to learn how to love one another more like Jesus Christ does. Abuse damages the very relationships He intended to become places of trust and belonging.

For powerful insight into this, listen to or watch Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk, Healing from the Tragic Scars of Abuse and Sister Chieko Okasaki’s talk Healing from Sexual Abuse.

If Abuse Is Happening, Does Christ Expect Me to Stay?

The sacredness of family does not make abuse sacred, and protecting a family does not mean protecting abusive behavior.

When abuse occurs, protecting the person who has been harmed and preventing additional abuse come first. Reports of abuse are to be taken seriously, and Church leaders are directed to help protect vulnerable people and follow applicable reporting requirements. Seeking safety can include telling someone trustworthy, contacting appropriate civil authorities, talking with a bishop, working with a qualified professional, or leaving an unsafe situation.

Does Forgiving Mean I Have to Trust Them Again?

Jesus Christ teaches us to forgive others. But forgiveness does not automatically restore trust, remove appropriate boundaries, or require you to return to an unsafe relationship. Trust depends on trustworthy behavior, and forgiveness is something Christ gradually helps accomplish within your own heart.

That distinction can be especially important with abuse. A person may eventually forgive an abusive parent and still decide that the parent cannot safely be alone with grandchildren. Someone may forgive a former spouse while maintaining necessary distance. Reconciliation requires repentance, safety, change, and rebuilding trust; forgiveness does not guarantee that reconciliation will always be possible or wise.

And forgiveness may take time. Elder Richard G. Scott gave tender counsel to survivors who found even the thought of forgiveness painful. He taught that if focusing on forgiveness causes greater pain, a person can set that step aside for a time and first gain more experience with the Savior’s healing power.

Erin’s Story: Finding Help After an Unsafe Childhood

Erin grew up in a home where the person who was supposed to protect her instead physically, emotionally, and sexually abused her. In her clip from “Living With the Pain of Childhood Abuse,” she explains how those experiences continued affecting her and how she eventually began finding resources that helped her heal:

Her story is helpful because healing was not presented as one spiritual experience that suddenly erased the past. God’s grace helped her find courage, support, and resources as she worked through what had happened.

Why Can Abuse Still Affect Me Years Later?

Sometimes people who have experienced abuse wonder why they still react strongly long after the danger has passed. You may have trouble trusting people, become anxious when someone is angry, shut down during conflict, or feel responsible for keeping everyone around you happy.

Research on trauma helps explain some of this. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that children who grow up without consistent safety and protection can develop coping patterns that help them function and survive in that environment. Those patterns can later affect relationships and responses to stress even when the person is no longer living in the original danger.

That knowledge can help you approach healing with patience. Some responses you now want to change may have developed while you were trying to live through circumstances you could not control. With safety, healthy relationships, appropriate professional help, and time, new ways of responding can develop.

What Can Jesus Christ Heal?

Alma gives one of the most comforting answers in scripture. When he taught about the future Savior, he explained that Christ would take upon Himself the “pains and the sicknesses of his people” so that He would know how to succor them (Alma 7:11–12).

Alma’s teaching reaches beyond suffering caused by our own sins. Jesus Christ also entered into the pain that comes through mortality and through the harmful choices of other people.

Elder Patrick Kearon spoke directly to survivors of abuse in “He Is Risen with Healing in His Wings.” He taught that abuse does not make a person less worthy, less valuable, or less loved by God. He also testified that Christ has power to heal wounds that may seem impossible to overcome.

Someone else’s actions can deeply affect your life, but they do not change your divine identity. You are still a son or daughter of heavenly parents. Your body, your trust, and your capacity to love still have sacred worth. Through Jesus Christ, what happened to you does not have to determine everything that comes afterward.

How Might the Adversary Use What Happened?

Once you understand what Christ teaches, you can begin noticing thoughts that move in a different direction.

The adversary may try to attach shame to another person’s sin: Maybe I caused this. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should have stopped it. If the person who hurt you was a parent, spouse, Church member, or priesthood holder, the betrayal may even make it harder to trust Heavenly Father.

Those thoughts can feel convincing because abuse often damages trust. But Christ’s teachings place accountability where it belongs: with the person who chose to harm. His invitation to you is toward safety, truth, healing, wise support, and eventually greater peace.

What Research Shows

Research also gives an important reason for hope if you grew up with abuse and worry about the kind of parent you might someday become.

Researchers who study the intergenerational cycle of abuse emphasize an important point: the pattern is neither inevitable nor predetermined. Being abused as a child does not mean you will become an abusive parent. Supportive relationships, greater awareness of unhealthy patterns, learning healthy ways to parent and communicate, and getting help when needed can all reduce the likelihood that abuse will continue into the next generation. (pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)

This matters if you grew up in a home you do not want to recreate. Your past may shape some of the fears or habits you have to work through, but it does not decide what kind of spouse or parent you will become. You can learn different patterns and build a home with greater safety, patience, and love.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• Have I been carrying responsibility for choices that actually belonged to the person who harmed me?
• Have I felt pressure to confuse forgiveness with trusting or returning to someone who is still unsafe?
• Who has shown through consistent behavior that they are safe enough for me to ask for help?
• What would one gentle, realistic step toward greater safety or healing look like this week?

What Can You Do This Week?

If abuse is happening now, begin with safety. Tell someone who can actually help, and involve appropriate authorities when needed. The Church’s Abuse: Help, Healing, and Protection resources can also help you understand available support. Church guidance emphasizes taking abuse seriously and protecting people from further harm.

If the abuse is in your past, choose one manageable next step. You might talk with a qualified counselor, tell someone trustworthy what you have been carrying, establish a needed boundary, or pray honestly about the part of the experience that still hurts.

Listen to or watch Sister Chieko Okasaki’s talk Healing from Sexual Abuse.

Jesus Christ understands what family relationships were meant to be, and He understands the grief when those relationships have been harmed. You can bring Him what happened without minimizing it. With safety, wise help, loving relationships, and His grace, healing can come gradually, and you can build a life and a family shaped more fully by the kind of love He has always intended.