Answer

Can I Build a Full Single Life and Still Make Room for Marriage?

How Can I Use My Single Years Well?

You may want to use your years of singleness well—to work, study, travel, serve, build friendships, and grow as a person. You may also wonder whether becoming too independent could make marriage harder later.

Building a full life is not the problem. The more important question is whether the life you are building is also helping you follow Jesus Christ, keep covenants, care about other people, and prepare for the commitments you hope to make.

Your single years are not wasted years. They are part of your life now, and they can help you become more capable, faithful, and generous.

Eternal Truths

Marriage requires two capable people who are willing to build a life together. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that “husbands and wives have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and that marriage partners should be “equal partners.”

That kind of partnership requires more than independence. It requires two people who can counsel together, change plans, sacrifice, and take each other’s needs seriously.

Learning to support yourself is valuable. So is learning how to share responsibility with another person.

Following Jesus Christ teaches you to think about other people. Paul taught the Saints, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Philippians 2:4).

Paul was teaching the Saints to develop the humility and concern that Jesus Christ showed. That does not mean ignoring your own needs. It means learning to notice how your choices affect other people. This matters in friendships, Church service, dating, and marriage.

Your single life can prepare you for covenant living. Education, work, friendships, service, and spiritual growth are worthwhile in themselves. They can also teach you how to keep commitments, manage responsibilities, cooperate with others, and give your time generously.

Marriage is not the only way to live a meaningful life. At the same time, if you hope to marry, you can use your current circumstances to become the kind of person who is ready to build a shared life.

A Story About Using Singleness Well

In the YouTube episode “Discovering Life’s Purpose through Singleness and Beyond,” Sharon Lamar talks about spending 30 years as a single Latter-day Saint before marrying at age 52.

Sharon speaks honestly about the disappointment of not having the family life she expected at the time she expected it. She also describes learning not to treat singleness as proof that something had gone wrong with her life.

During those years, she built friendships, developed her work, served others, and continued growing spiritually. When marriage eventually came, it was not the event that gave her life meaning. It became one part of a life that already had meaning.

Her story does not mean that everyone will marry later or that waiting is always easy. It does show that you can continue becoming, serving, and receiving joy without putting your life on hold. Inspiring Stories For Latter-Day Saints

What Can Make This Confusing?

Independence is often treated as one of the main signs of successful adulthood. Learning to support yourself and make responsible decisions is good.

The problem comes when protecting your preferences and maintaining complete control become more important than learning to share your life with someone else. You may become so used to arranging everything around your own schedule, money, goals, and habits that considering another person begins to feel like a threat instead of part of a relationship.

Marriage does not require you to give up your personality, goals, or ability to make decisions. It does require you to listen, compromise, and make some decisions together.

The opposite extreme can also be unhealthy. Preparing for marriage does not mean becoming dependent on another person to give your life direction or worth. Healthy marriage involves two whole people who choose to care for each other and work together.

What Research Shows

In a national study of 1,184 unmarried adults who were in relationships, Scott Stanley, Galena Rhoades, and Howard Markman examined the relationship between dedication and relationship stability.

They found that dedication—wanting to maintain and invest in a relationship—was associated with better relationship adjustment and greater stability over the following months. The researchers distinguished dedication from feeling trapped or staying only because leaving seemed difficult (study).

The study does not suggest that commitment can fix an unhealthy relationship. It does show that a healthy relationship involves freely choosing to invest in another person, not simply protecting yourself from every inconvenience or risk.

Questions to Think About

• Am I building a full life, or am I mainly protecting myself from needing other people?
• Am I learning how to make decisions with other people?
• Is the life I am building helping me become more patient, faithful, and generous?